This year has been touted as some epic, live altering year for some time now. Now it’s here, there has not been anything of the sorts yet but I did reach a milestone in my life. In the year 2012 I turned 30. I don’t know what the next thirty will bring, hell I don’t know what will happen in the next hour, but I do know that these short crazy years on planet earth has taught me some.
Teaching #10: I am who I am/Everything is right here
Growing through the years, I always felt like a misfit. Nothing ever felt right and I thought I was doing something wrong or as soon as I move out on my own it will make sense. It never did. Not like that anyway. I learnt that we are here for a definite time and life is complicated. We are born and we do the best with the tools life provides us with. What is important is for me to be true to myself. People will criticize regardless. I am going to experience and live the best way I know how and makes me happiest. To look inward and not outward for approval or solutions. With that half the battle is won.
Teaching #9: People are just that – people
I almost always used to get my panties in a bunch over anyone who I thought wronged me. And then internalize it and be miserable with myself. After several run ins with stalkers, psychos, fake friends, opportunists, bad-mouthing and countless others, I have realized that people are people. Nothing more, nothing less. Some are here just to be an asshole or an angel or just plain bad. I cannot be draw into their bad vibes. Just love them from a distance and be ok with them. I don’t want to be constantly swayed by comments / actions. I want to be at peace with myself and my God and by extension all humankind.
Teaching #8: I am very sensitive
I am great with advising others and being the nullifying factor in many a conflict because of my rational stance and calming tone. However I can be touchy about people’s reaction, comments or even implications. I require extra care and affection and attention when it comes to relationships, and tact in terms of feedback. I used to be ashamed of this. I should be different. I should have a thicker skin. I shouldn’t be crying. I should be “stronger.” Now I feel less crazy. I’m less resistant to who I am and how I am. Yeah, I’m sensitive. And … that’s how it is. Instead of spending time trying to change how I am, I spend more time figuring out how to work with it. This is what is. Now what?
Teaching #7: To wait and give thanks
I had an imaginary list to accomplish by 30. I have accomplished some but not as I would have imagined10 years ago. That made me depressed at times, even doubtful of my worth and purpose. I felt unfulfilled. Then I was like “Look around you Madeline.” You have achieved so much including making it to the 30 mark which unfortunately so many others have not. I may not have completed my ‘list’ but I have gotten something even better. The power to be still and wait. Being positive about my goals and know that it will work out as it should. Whenever I feel discouraged, I now still my mind as best as I can, meditate and give thanks for all and know it will work out.
Teaching #6: To ask
The old adage says ‘ask and it shall be given’. And that is no joke. Whether good or bad you will get it. I not only learned to ask but to be careful and particular as to what I ask for. Before, I always had a fierce independent streak. I always had to do it myself. Not wanting to ask for help because I don’t want people to have a ‘big stick’ over me or want to have everything from my own accord (thanks Dad). I now know I can open my mouth and heart and ask for what I want. This is a way of affirming my situation. If I want help, I have to put it out there or else it is as if my situation is not real to me or anyone else for that matter.
Teaching #5: To receive/accept
Asking is not just about wanting something. It’s about letting it go after it is requested, being positive about it and surrounding yourself with anything relating to such request. I have experienced the power of receiving and plan on continuing that trend.
Teaching #4: I can’t change the past
A lot happened in my life that I wish I could change or do over but I can’t. I can’t change who my parents are, my sexuality, my physical features or some of the choices I’ve made.
I haven’t done a lot in my life in terms of external achievements. I did manage to get into UWI Mona and excel there (according to my own measurements), but that’s about it. I don’t own a house or have a big IRA. I’m not the CEO or founder of a hot new startup just yet (big smile). I haven’t appeared on page two, I don’t own a fancy car, and I don’t have a bunch of letters after my name.
However, I have made significant strides in terms of my humanity. I’ve built a strong sense of self and learnt how to be connected to something higher in a genuine way. I’ve developed a backbone. I’ve worked on caring for myself and others. I forgive, where I once didn’t. I laugh, I stand up straight, I listen.
I would never go back for anything. I absolutely love growing up and maturing. I have better sex. I laugh more. I am happier with me. I’ve come a long way, and from time to time I remember what’s important and act on it. So alongside the very human sense of emptiness and lack, I still, on a regular basis, experience a sense of fulfillment, even if I don’t always feel ‘happy.’
Teaching #3: Living in the now
Although the dream car, family and house on the prairie has not materialized for me yet, I’m not worried. I now know life is happening now so live it.
Teaching #2: Be happy & proud of what I have received/achieved
Since graduating from university, I’ve supported myself with limited debt (RIP student’s loan) and without relying on things like antidepressants. This is probably a better track record than a lot of people I know. I’m going at life full-out as best as possible, experiencing it all without numbing it or dumbing it down. That makes me proud.
Teaching#1: Life & love really starts after 30
Indeed! Feeling secure and safe, receiving nurturing physical affection and being a strong but gentle companion is how I feel loved.
I’m not perfect, but my heart is in the right place even if my head isn’t all the time.
In other words, I’m 30 and I’ve earned it. POW!